Karuna: chaos inside

Day 4 on Karuna, the mother-child SACRED LOVE affair...

The Hole

There’s a hole that sits within my chest

I cannot quite explain

for it’s just there and I’m not sure 

exactly when it came.

Some days it’s black and hollow

or it’s small and hard and tight

and others it’s not there at all 

replaced by joy and light

I want to love each moment 

as I watch you grow each day

but some days I can’t find energy

to sit with you and play

From the moment you lift your lashes 

to the time you fall asleep 

I have to count each breath I take

so I don’t fall and weep

Each task becomes a struggle

and soon I fall behind

which only makes the guilt I feel 

more present in my mind

But still I want the world to see 

as I walk around with grace

pretending life is perfect

with a smile upon my face

when inside I might be crumbling,

tears just behind my eyes

anxious that my face might fail, 

revealing my disguise.

I don’t want to feel broken

and I don’t want them to think

that just because I have this hold

I’m sitting on the brink

“Please everyone, I’ll be alright

in time I’m sure it’s true

but for right now I need to know 

that I can trust in you

to remember that this little hole,

too small and dark to see

does not take away the fact 

that I am still ME

Because even with the bad days

my life is filled with joys

I get to spend each of my days 

loving my two sweet boys.”

You make all of this worth it

you’re the reason for the light

which brings with it the happy days

and gets me through the night

That moment when I hold you close 

and smell your sweet, soft hair

when I know I’m all you want and need

and you know that I’ll be there

when all the hurting goes away 

as I hold you to my chest

to savor your sweet peacefulness

and forget all the rest.

~Caitlyn Blake

  Mother of two.

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