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No, you will not understand. Not the sleepless nights nor the tantrum filled days.
You will not understand why my messy hair, my loose t-shirt, my dark circles.
You will have no sympathy for my terror if even for some seconds I lose my child in the crowd.
You will probably laugh at the number of times I adjust and re-adjust the pram where he just fell asleep; or the times I cover him and check if he is breathing (!) at night.
No, you will not know what it is to change diapers all day and nurse all night; to sleep siting with your baby in your arms, afraid if you change position he will wake up (again!).
You will say "it's ok", "he looks fine", "this too shall pass" but you will not mean it. Cause how could you?
You do not know how it feels to be kicked or slapped by your anxious toddler.
You have no clue what it is to fell guilty, or that you have failed, no matter how many around you say that "it's all normal",
You don't know what it is not going for grocery shopping for a week just cause you can't keep your baby in the shop long enough...
Of course you don't...
Have you tried to go back to sleep after been woken up by a loud scream from the one you love most? Again and again (and again, sometimes 20 minutes apart)? Have you attempted to clean the nose of a screaming helpless baby or hold him tight during vaccines?
Oh, do you know what it is to look in the mirror and just miss the old you, with more curves (or for some of us less) bigger breasts (yes, how they shrink after he nurses!) and makeup in place?
Do you know what it is to feel so lonely even when you sleep by my side?
Or to secretly wish you would be somewhere else because the space is never enough for all the baby care night rituals (or because you snore too loud, you move too much, you don't even offer to help when he cries).
Can you imagine never again eating with both hands, or siting down, or quietly, or slowly, or 100% free to choose your menu?
Do you know how my back aches with all the carrying, the rocking, the breastfeeding?
No you do not understand.
You do not understand my cancelled plans and suspended dreams.
You will think it is not a big deal to be a full time mom.
But you see, all changed.
Cooking is never the same, walking is never the same, breathing is never the same!
Oh you will not understand how much LOVING is never the same! And with all this "no you will not understand" I feel that you...
YOU are missing... the big things. Or have you seen him? Have you seen how our son laughs in his sleep?
Yes, he does.
And how would you understand how priceless it is?
With love,
a #newmom
#sacredbeginnings
#sacredlivingmovement
#sacredpregnancy
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